What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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