tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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