My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
