cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
