So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
