the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
