I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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