I just saw a hot homeless man
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
