your thong is hanging out like whoa
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
