I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
