Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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