I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
