This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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