I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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