What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
