Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
