sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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