Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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