All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
