Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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