girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
