My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
