I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm just crazy horny about you
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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