quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
