My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
