Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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