god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
