The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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