i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
