I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
