i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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