I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
