i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Randomize
