I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
