Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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