I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
