how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
should my penis look like a turkey
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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