Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
