i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
