I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
