I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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