Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
