she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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