hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
