i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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