I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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