is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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