Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
