can we get nightvision for the apartment?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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