It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
