When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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