Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
home. puking in laundry basket.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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