I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
