He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
