Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
