i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
